Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
