Umm I'm too high to move.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
