I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
