I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
