you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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