We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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