Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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