I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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