I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
