TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
