apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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