I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
