i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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