Duck Duck Cougar?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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