She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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