I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
