he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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