well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
