i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
