I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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