I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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