Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
