It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Randomize
