sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
