How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
