i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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