my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I don't deserve a penis
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
