Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
