i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
