Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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