When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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