I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
