i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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