Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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