Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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