This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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