Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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