i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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