A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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