The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
