Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
