sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
