Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
