Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
