i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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