I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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