she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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