i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
