You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
