i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize
