im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
